What You Deserve
by TheThirdAetas
Summary: Post-CGI 2k7 movie. When Leo came back, the general expectation was that everything would eventually go back to normal again. That's why it came as an absolute surprise when what took place was the exact opposite. And Raphael is the one to thank for that. This is a sister fic to Crossing The Line and What It Takes, but this can be read separately.
1. Splinter: The Fall

This idea was inspired by a song I wrote for my friend's play. The character she's playing is INCREDIBLY similar to Raph and the song I was writing had to be based off of her character...which, once again, reminded me of Raph. And now...here we are.

**Warning:** Cussing, considered AU, soap opera drama AGAIN. And depending on how you portray Raph's personality yourself, you may or may not see him as OOC in this fic.

**_The following paragraphs are an UPDATE -_**_** 8/25/2012:**_

I AM GOING TO CONTINUE THIS STORY FOR FOUR MORE CHAPTERS. I'm very sorry, I really am; this is probably going to be a huge mistake on my part and I wouldn't blame you for disliking this story now. But I honestly just cannot help myself. Why? Because my mind created a thought that made me create more chapters. Specifically this thought: _What would it take for Raph to do the same thing he resented Leo for and leave his family?_

THAT is an answer I am going to address in four, long chapters...

Anyways, for the people who reviewed me, if you do not like the idea of continuing this, then feel free to ignore the future updates. :)

Oh, and also, the only changes I made to this chapter is the first line at the way top and the last lines at the way bottom.

* * *

**What You Deserve**

* * *

When Raph first got the_...idea..._he had been sitting with Master Splinter in his meditation room.

"Ya want me ta do what?" Raph drawled, leaning forward with a raised eye ridge.

Master Splinter slid a piece of paper closer towards the younger one, his beady eyes looking meaningfully at his adopted son.

"I want you to release the burden you hold within your heart, Raphael, through the words that come from your hands." When all he received was an uncomprehending stare, Master Splinter held out the ink brush to the turtle and gently commanded, "Write about your fears, my son. Your wishes. The actions you can never explain and the world that your eyes see around you." A soft smile curled at the ends of his lips. "Write what you can never let escape from your tongue."

A hand slowly rose and, hesitantly, Raphael reached for what was held out towards him. The tips of his fingers pressed gently against the smooth, black handle of the brush.

Then his amber eyes dropped down to the piece of paper resting innocently on the table, pure and never yet touched by the vituperative thoughts of a damaged mind.

Raphael found himself wanting it to stay that way.

With an almost indiscernible jerk, his hand pulled away.

And he heard his father exhale disappointedly.

Swallowing down his shame, Raph brought his arms back in to cross against his chest. "M'fine, Masta Splinter," muttered Raph, looking back at his father with hard, immovable irises. "I listen to Leo, don't I? Never questioned him once, right? Don don't even get pissed at me anymore like he's been for the past year. And I just beat up Mikey an hour ago for tryna' change the channel to some moron cartoon."

Master Splinter's eyes saddened and Raph's lips pulled down into a snarl.

"I. Am. Fine!"

Master Splinter raised a hand. "My son," he started, placing the brush onto the paper itself as he looked firmly at Raphael. "It is true. You listen to your elder brother now. But you do so as a puppet that is controlled by a master. And Leonardo is much unnerved by how you are giving him such power over you."

Raph's left eye twitched. "I'm jus' givin' him what he wanted this whole time," he ground out through painfully clenched teeth.

Master Splinter shook his head once. "Leonardo has never once asked you to become subservient to him, Raphael. Only to respect his position as a leader and your position as a team of four, not one." He paused, waiting for Raphael's voice to cut harshly through the air, but all he was met with was a silent glare. "And Donatello has not fallen to anger with you because, as he has told me…" Master Splinter's voice dropped to the level of a weary sigh. "…He has been afraid you will react with resignation, not resistance."

Raph _had_ to scoff at that. "What? An' he ain't glad 'bout that?"

Master Splinter narrowed his eyes. "Of course not, Raphael," he stated, striking the foot of his staff sharply against the ground. Raph couldn't stop himself from wincing. "While you have been a thorn to Donatello's side in Leonardo's absence, never once did he want anything less than who you are."

Raph bit his inner cheek and squeezing his knees tightly enough until his fingers began to throb, he mumbled, "I think yer forgettin' the day he said he wished ya shipped _me_ off to the jungle instead."

If Master Splinter was surprised that Raph had heard Donnie's words, he didn't give anything away. "You, Raphael," he assured softly, "Should know better than to put any worth in the words that are spoken through anger."

Raph smiled sarcastically at that, forcing out a dark chuckle. "Yea. Ya think I'd figure that out by now, huh?"

Master Splinter closed his eyes briefly, his grip on his staff shrinking into a fist before daring to respond to his most difficult son.

"Michelangelo has told me of the incident with the TV not too long ago," he continued in a steady voice. "He has also told me that while you struck the back of his head in retaliation, you handed him the remote before any further word of protest could be given to you."

Raph rolled his eyes, grumbling, "Yea, 'n' the lil' knucklehead didn't even turn the channel to the frickin' episode he's been harpin' on 'bout the whole damn week."

At the second to last word, Splinter turned a blind eye, but he never once moved his gaze from the other.

"Because your lack of spirit had dampened his, my son," he sighed out, placing a hand once more on the paper between him and the younger one. "Raphael, I am asking you as your father." He watched as Raph's shoulders slouched forwards at that. "I will not read what you have. And I will not let any of your brother's eyes stray across this paper without your permission. All I ask of you…"

One more time, Raph tentatively touched with the handle of the brush.

Then he grasped it in between his loose fingers.

"…Is to write."

Raph held the brush in a quivering fist before he made himself shift closer towards the table. His cringing amber eyes disappeared and, instead, was replaced with the crown of his head as he dropped his chin towards his chest.

A cracked, furious whisper surrounded him and his father.

"You guys should be fuckin' happy."

Raph's fingers began to glide across the page and Master Splinter stayed silent, staring pityingly at his son for one, long moment.

"We are a family, my son," Master Splinter quietly voiced. "Happiness is impossible to reach when it is unable to be reached by all of us."

Raph's brush jolted as if struck by lightning and left a dark, jagged scar of ink across the page.

He said nothing.

Master Splinter nodded slowly. Forlornly. "You may leave when you are done, Raphael," he lightly instructed, bringing himself to his feet as he made his way out of the room.

But before he left, his eyes had unwittingly caught the first line peaking above Raph's motionless fingers.

_Wish I could give them all that they deserve. _

He turned away before his son could see him press a trembling hand against his eyes.

* * *

And while Raph didn't know exactly what his family deserved, it was that night when he began to accept that what they _didn't_ deserve...

...Was him.

* * *

_**Continuation of 8/25/2012 UPDATE:**_

Well, there you have it. I hope the few sentences I added show the main idea I was going for. And okay, I know, it sounds insanely cliche: 'Oh, I'm not good enough, I must change and become a better person for the ones I love!' But that's what I wanted to portray. In this story, I'm using each chapter - including this one - to expand on what I think Raph would go through with Splinter, Donnie, Mikey, and Leo (in order of their chapter numbers) before he truly decides what _they_ deserve is a 'new and improved' Raph 2.0. Again, it's cliche and I'll admit now that I'm a big sucker for cliches. :P

Besides...the CGI movie started it with Leo and his: 'I'm not good enough, I must change and become a better leader for the ones I love!'

Note - next chapter coming up sometime tomorrow.


	2. Donatello: The Conviction

Well, here we go! The continuation of a story I never planned to continue. I hope you guys like it, even if it is just a little bit.

Same warnings and notes from the first chapter still apply! Except for one thing. Depending on how you portray Donnie, you might also consider him OOC in here. Oh, and in this story, Donnie IS OLDER than Raph. Which makes Raph the second youngest.

Oh and just as a side detail: I see Donnie as a catalyst for his family's convictions. He has this way of opening his family's mind to the things they _have_ noticed before, but never cared to dwell on. Simply because that's what Donnie does everyday; open his mind to everything and anything - I imagine it as a gift of his. So keep that in mind when you read this. :)

* * *

**What You Deserve**

* * *

When Raph started to believe the..._idea..._was the only solution, it was after Donnie made him realize what the problem was.

"I think, Raphael–" Donnie steadily started, never tearing his eyes away from Raph's calf as he continued stitching up the wound. "–That it's rather safe to say…"

For the millionth time, Donnie ignored the creaking groans that reverberated once more up and down his spine. It honestly becomes easier after being forced–for a whole half hour–to listen to what exactly his body thought of sitting on the cement floors for so long.

"…This laceration wasn't caused by a _training_ _accident_ with your sai."

He shifted around carefully to keep Raph's foot from falling off his lap, once again paying no mind to the electrifying protest from every muscle on the waist down.

"What did ya jus' say?"

Raph looked down at the crown of his brother's head, narrowing his eyes at the deadpanned statement.

But he was more worried over the fact that it wasn't followed by a long, unnecessary Donnie-original clarification.

"My words haven't changed from the last few seconds, Raph," Donnie responded, his voice blunt and unreadable. But his fingers began to shake with each detached word that escaped his lips.

Raph let out a growl, fidgeting uneasily in his spot on Donnie's computer chair.

"Alright, fine. Well, my reply's this," Raph snapped, his fingers paling as it gripped the arm rests underneath his arms. "It may sound foreign to ya, but guess what, you're _wrong._ I was spinnin' it, I dropped it, and it landed a nice, big one right on me, got it? And ya may be Mister Brainiac, but I think I'd know if my own weapon–"

Raph's eyes widened and he stopped himself with an inaudible gulp, suddenly hearing his voice echoing around caustically in his ears.

He bit his inner cheek, averting his eyes off to the side.

"–Y…y'know…went…after me."

Donnie's eyes flashed towards him, concern and fatigue the only thing decipherable in his copper irises.

His hand wavered as it came to Raph's last stitch. "Stop being afraid of being angry."

The younger turtle winced. "Donatello–"

Donnie lifted his head and stared genuinely into Raph's faltering irises.

"No. I–_we_–don't want you to be _scared_ of us. _Especially_ of us," Donnie whispered, finally settling his dissection scissors down beside him as he ran his fingers gently across Raph's stitches. "I don't know why you…you are holding back on insulting me. On irritating Leo. On hitting Mikey over the head."

He dropped his hand and rested a loose fist against the younger one's ankles.

"But you don't have to."

Raph pressed his fingers further against the arm rest, turning his head away as he glared into nothing. "Yea I do, Don…ya know I do."

Donnie reached up to firmly squeeze the younger one's knee.

"All I know," he began, his voice strengthened by certainty. "Is that whoever you're trying to be, Raphael? Whomever you are trying to replace yourself with…I don't want him. No one wants him." It took all of Donatello's resolve to keep the cracks in his mind from reaching his voice. "Because he's not our brother."

Copper irises watched as Raph bowed his head forward, the shadows doing nothing to hide his clenched eyes and gritted, barred teeth.

"Whatever, Don," Raph forced out gruffly. "Jus' stop it. Stop it now."

Donnie let out a quiet sigh and gently, he took Raph's foot in his hands and placed it slowly back onto the floor.

"Alright," he quietly acquiesced, sliding his stare away from Raph. He got onto his hands and knees, slowly turning around to gather all the objects littering the floor. "I'll stop."

Raph forced his eyelids to pry themselves apart.

But when they did open, all he could see was Donnie's slouched shoulders with his head bowed low, back turned towards him and…

…And…

…In these past several months, it had become an all too familiar sight.

Raph felt desperation crawl into his chest. "No, wait," Raph called out, pushing down on one arm rest in order to bring him leaning closer to his brother. His other hand was raised and reaching, trying to–

"Don, _please_…"

Wide-eyed and taken aback, copper eyes peaked at him over the shoulder.

Raph swallowed down the lump in his throat.

"…Do you…do ya…" His shoulders sagged and with it, his hand had dropped onto his lap. "Wanna hang out…or somethin'?"

He felt his cheeks burst into flames when he saw the older one turn completely around to face him, his wide eyes and hanging jaw showing exactly what he thought of that statement.

"Par–Pardon me?" Don drawled, one hand hanging beside him in midair as the other clawed at the ground, pulling his body closer to where the younger one sat.

Raph, on the other hand, was quick to throw his shell back against the chair, crossing his arms tightly against his chest as he turned his head to the side.

"I mean, we'll do whateva ya wanna do, even if it bores me ta tears." The fire on the back of Raph's neck became almost unbearable. "What were ya doin' 'fore I interrupted ya?"

Don owlishly blinked. "BetaMax programming for rebooting the computer so I can place bigger files in the motherboard before it's overloaded with all the inane online pastimes Mikey made me download for him."

Raph's face fell into a wry stare.

"Damn, Don, you just gotta be doin' this to try 'n' piss me off," he sighed out, pressing a hand against his temple as he rolled his eyes at his brother.

Donnie's shoulders immediately relaxed, his lips falling into a soft smile. "No. But I'm glad it worked to exasperate you anyways."

"Ugh…ya _need_ to shut up." Raph shook his head at his brother and then leaned his elbow against one of the arm rests, squashing the side of his face against his fist. "And anyways, I'm guessin' ya got no time for anythin' else, dork overlord?" he sighed out, his voice becoming indifferent as his eyes seemed to shut down completely.

Donnie was quick scramble onto his feet, his hands spread out to the sides. "Oh, what? Of course not!"

Without his body's permission, Donnie leaned over and grabbed one of Raph's shoulders. He smiled brightly into startled amber irises. "No, no, I have a copious amount of free time, Raph," he assured, speaking quick enough to make Raph slightly scared. "What would you like to do?"

Raph leaned his head away from his brother, but despite that, his lips twitched upwards into a wide grin. "S'not 'bout me, genius. I asked to do somethin' _you_ like doin'." Raph blinked a few times and an odd glint rimmed his irises. "I'm here for a reason, y'know."

Don's happiness faltered.

He flashed his eyes downwards to Raph's stitches.

His smile became forced. "Yea," Donnie murmured, tightening his hold on Raph's shoulder. "You always were the type who went charging after your goals head first, no matter the damage you had to do to yourself."

Raph bowed his head forwards slightly but his eyes stayed looking up hesitantly at his brother, raising his own hand to place it gently on top of the fingers placed on his shoulder.

"Heh, well, it was my sai that got me head first. That's what I get for not payin' attention, right? Ya better not be callin' me stupid though. Or my sai's gonna go through one o' yer computers," he got out with a half-hearted chuckle.

Donnie looked at his younger brother silently. "No, I'm not talking about what you told me. It's about what you _didn't_." He coated his every word with sincerity. "And you're never stupid, Raph. Just loyal."

Raph raised an eyebrow ridge at that. "…Alright…?"

Donnie shook his head, looking at the younger one imploringly. His hand slid out underneath Raph's fingers. "No I'm serious. I did such a horrible job as an older brother with you and Mikey, especially with you–"

Raph slammed his fists against the arm rest. "Hey, don't say that, I was the one–"

Donnie raised an open hand in front of Raph's face.

Raph tried not to bite it off.

"I was such a horrid brother with you," Donnie summarized in a drier voice, glaring pointedly at Raph. The said younger one settled down further into the chair, crossing his arms against his chest with an unrelenting glower.

Donnie tried not to smile. But the urge dissipated with his next words.

"…That I made you think the only way to approach me was by _purposefully_ _injuring _yourself, for crying out loud." Raph seemed to sink into himself, guilt glinting heavily in his irises. "And you did it. You did it because you are the most loyal idiot to have walked the face of the earth."

Raph looked blankly at his brother. "I feel like you jus' insulted me."

Raising a hand to cover over a wide grin, Donnie mysteriously made a choking noise and then just as mysteriously had a coughing fit. "Of course that's what you focus on…really, Raph, is that all you took from what I just said?"

Raph tilted his head to the side. "No. I jus' don't get how the hell ya could've figured it out."

Donnie raised an eyebrow ridge at that and pulled his hand away to hold it out between him and Raph, pointing down towards the younger one's wound.

"If your story was true, Raph," Donnie scoffed out. "The depth of your wound would've been inconsistent, not inches deep throughout…and come on, it's ten times longer than it should be with a simple drop cut! AND it should only graze the epidermis, not come to lacerating the hypodermis…"

Donnie took a breather here, glaring harshly at Raph.

"…Which scared the shell out of me, by the way, don't you ever do that again. Oh, also, do _not_ get me started on how the scar's position should've been horizontal, not vertical. On that note, you suicidal Neanderthal, side to side mostly gets you sore muscles. Up and down can potentially sever–" A growl intertwined itself ominously with his next word. "–_A BLOOD VESSEL_."

And that was the only thing that penetrated Raph's thick skull.

In his defense, though, his head began spinning way before Donnie even got to the end.

"Oh my effin' shell," Raphael drawled out with a sigh. He clenched his eyes shut, repeatedly hitting the side of his head with a loose fist. "Lemme remind you again, Einstein, I speak ENGLISH. Not nerd."

Donnie let out a light, fleeting laugh. "Alright, bro, I'll give you the condensed version: pick better cover stories, will you? At least _try_ to make it more challenging for me."

He grinned slightly at the sullen, threatening glare shot at him.

"So, that's it?" Raph grumbled out. "All 'cause I didn't think things through?" He leaned his elbow against an arm rest and banged his fist once more against his head. "Sounds like a broken record."

"…That's not all though, Raph."

Raphael, startled, snapped his head back to his older brother.

It was just in time to see Donnie look away, his eyes unfocused and trained at a place on the wall.

"My first clue was when I used up half the bottle of antiseptic on you and you didn't even yell. You didn't even flinch_._"

Funnily enough, Raph was flinching now.

"It's like you didn't even notice I put it on you," Donnie continued softly. "And…And you had to have gone through a lot of gauze, antibacterial sterilizer, and maybe even stitches to get to that point, right? Especially as the Nightwatcher. So…so it makes me wonder, Raph…" Donnie closed his eyes slightly in remorse. "…How many nights did you spend in pain and I never even knew about it?"

The younger turtle shifted uncomfortably in his seat, staring at his brother with guilty eyes. "I was capable, y'know," he mumbled. "I learned how to wrap my own scars…stitch 'em up if needed."

Donnie closed his eyes all the way at that reply.

Raph inwardly cussed his nonexistent social intelligence.

"Then let me rephrase my question," Donnie steadily got out in a soft voice, unable to bring himself to speak any louder. "How many times did you…did you have to repair your own injuries…" He looked at his brother with the shame loud and clear on every inch of his face. "…Because you couldn't bring yourself to trust me with them?"

From the pipes above their heads, there was a constant rush of sewage water and it served as the only thing that interrupted the heavy silence that fell in between them.

Then Raph let out an explosive sigh.

"Damn it…"

Donnie blinked once as he watched the younger turtle throw his head back over the top of the chair, pressing the heel of his hands against his eyes.

"…Don, I trust ya with my life. Why I fixed my own crap…it wasn't…I didn't want ta make ya think that…there was just…" Raph let out a groan. "My effin' _shell_, I knew I should've gone with frickin' usual '_Don, sai's broke, fix it now, ya bonehead_.'"

Raph felt fingers gently grasp his wrists.

When his hands were pulled away from his face, the first thing he saw was Donnie's soft, understanding smile.

The next thing he saw was the way his smile quivered.

"Yea, you should've. It definitely would've saved a lot of unnecessary grief." Donnie chuckled out, squeezing Raph's hands reassuringly for a moment before letting go of them. "But you didn't, now did you? And it's not just you, Raph, it's what _all_ families do–turn to downright ridiculous solutions in order to deal with each other. And I'll tell you now that it's not going to stop…because that's what we are."

Copper eyes shined with the words and the thoughts that all went unsaid.

"A family."

Raph bit his inner cheek hard, a soft smile pulling at his lips. "Heh. That's kinda what Masta Splinter said too."

Donnie gave into a grin, nodding approvingly at that. "From whom did you think I got the idea?"

Raph half-heartedly shrugged one shoulder, looking up at his older brother with a rather comforted countenance. "Yea. I guess." Suddenly, a smirk struck through amber irises. "Splinter Junior number 2."

Donnie leaned forwards slightly, putting a hand on his stomach as he stifled his laughter. "Okay, fine, I'll agree that I was asking for that one," Donnie assented, grinning toothily at the younger one as he reached over to punch Raph in the arm. "Alright, we got our closure, so how about we do that brotherly bonding time you've been asking me?"

And for the first time in a long time, Donnie saw Raph's amber eyes brighten.

"S'your call, bro," Raph said, chuckling as he lightly pounded a fist against Donnie's bicep. "Like I said, m'here for a reason."

Donnie paused at that.

"Right, about that…" the older turtle started, his face falling into a dark glare as he leaned forwards closer to Raph, jabbing a finger against the younger one's plastron. "…Don't you _ever_ hurt yourself like that again."

Raph furrowed his eyebrows together. "Don, I–"

Donnie scowled. "No, let me finish," he interrupted, his voice low and steady. "I mean it. I'm always here for you Raph, you don't need any kind of excuse to just talk to me. Especially that kind of excuse. Do you understand where I'm coming from?"

Raph huffed and with a light scarlet dusting across his face, he averted his eyes away from Donnie's demanding stare.

"Yea, yea. Whatever."

"Raphael, look at me," Donnie snapped, pushing his finger harder against Raph's chest. "I'm serious. _Do. You. Understand me_?"

Raph snapped his head back, his lips pulled back and ready to shoot fire.

Then he saw Donnie's face.

And Raph's eyes softened.

"…I understand, Don," he muttered quietly. "I understand loud 'n' clear." He shook his head lightly, looking back at his brother with a raised eyebrow ridge and a small, odd half-smile. "Happy?"

Donnie straightened his back, his face totally transformed by one, simple grin.

"Sure. I'm happy enough," he acquiesced, nudging his brother's chest one more time before letting it fall back against his sides. He let out a quiet sigh. "And Raph?"

Raph's face turned uncertain at the sound of Donnie's softly spoken question.

"Yea?"

Donnie's grin surrendered to a sincere smile.

"It's good to have you back, bro."

Raph reached down to squeeze the knot of his sash. "…Thanks, Don," he whispered. "It's…yea, well…" He looked down at his lap, rubbing the back of his head. "…S'good to be back with everyone."

And Donnie simply went back to grinning, slamming a hand on the back of his lab chair and forcefully spinning it around to make Raph face the computer screen.

"Alright, now, as for what _I _want to do with you…"

Donnie exited out of his programming window without a second thought.

Raph raised his nonexistent eyebrows.

Donnie never noticed though, leaning over his brother in order to get to his keyboard.

"…Well, we'll watch Die Hard or something later on to compensate but, right now, I want to spend a few hours looking for this _amazing_ book series. I've been trying to find it for a whole two weeks and I still have yet to find even a tome of it. And it's no surprise either because it's absolutely priceless. You see, it recounts all the personal and never before heard of details on the world's greatest physicists, chemists, and biologists. And this is the series that _every_ scientist like me should ha–"

Raph had tuned out Donnie a long time ago.

He just focused on his older brother's fingers, flying all over the keyboard in a frenzied state of unmatchable enthusiasm.

And he found himself holding onto the sound, onto the image, the surroundings, the feeling…

…_Everything_.

Raphael already felt something twist inside his gut. If he _already_ felt this bad, just how horrible will he feel knowing he honestly won't be able to hear or see Donnie and his geeky self for who _knows _how long?

Raph held back a sigh and pressed his palm against his eyes before letting it drop onto his lap.

"Hey, Don?" Raph muttered, looking blankly at the computer screen.

"Hmmn?" Donnie sounded distractedly as he exited out of one window to make room for another.

Raph hoped that Donnie's reaction wasn't going to be what he thought it was going to be. "You're the king of the dorks, y'know that?"

No such luck. Donnie's face turned towards him with relief pooled in his copper irises over Raph's verbal affront and the red-banded turtle barely stopped himself from grimacing at that. Did all his brothers really expect nothing from his mouth but _insults_ whenever he interacted with them? Had it really come to a point where _not_ hearing insults made them nervous?

"Know it and proud of it, Raphie," Donnie boasted in a proud tone.

And despite everything that was going inside of his head, Raph couldn't help but smirk.

A few seconds of silence fell in between them and it was enough for another idea to enter Raph's head. It was unbidden, it was nerve-racking, and the younger turtle needed to know he was _wrong._

"Think you're gonna stay that way 'til yer rollin' in your grave?" Raph asked in a careful tone, taking steps to make sure it sounded like an everyday question.

Donnie blinked down at him, slowly replying, "Well, I'm not sure if this is the word you're looking for, Raph, but…yes."

Raph's shoulders loosened as a reassured look fell over his face. "Good," he said, steady and sincere.

Donnie gave him a grin, soft and glad. "Good," he repeated teasingly, briefly reaching up to squeeze his brother's shoulder before going back to grip his computer mouse once more.

Donnie turned back to look at the screen…

…Then Raph's smile slid off his face.

* * *

That was when Raph figured it out: the problem. His family didn't _want _him to change. They wanted the Raph that screams, that taunts, that pisses them off. _They _thought that was who they deserved.

And now that Raph knew the problem...he was sure he knew the solution.

* * *

Are any of you confused by the ending? I didn't know how to explain any more of what I was thinking without paralleling it to some sort of purple prose. :P I can write well, just not that well.

If there is any part of this chapter that raises questions for you, feel free to ask me and I'll explain it. But I do feel compelled to mention this one: what Raph is describing himself as...is the classic brother practically everyone in the world has. MY brother is like that, for crying out loud (he calls me a whore from time to time, lol...lovingly, of course) and I wouldn't have him any other way. The REAL problem is that Raph doesn't interact with enough people to know that.

Anyways, up next is Mikey! Expect him to come in sometime on Monday. It's going to be a bit different from what I've been doing with my past stories, so let's see how I do with that one.


	3. Michelangelo: The Doubt

This is the first time I've written an action scene, so I know didn't do it enough justice, but I had fun with it anyways and I'm pretty sure it's still good. I hope all of you enjoy this one!

_**One thing to keep in mind**_: For the sake of keeping this chapter BELOW 100 pages, I skipped the part which explains how Mikey forced Raph to go out with him to a eat pizza for their personal brotherly time. Along with how the night ended up with them trying to stop three men from using an eighteen-wheeler to succeed in a mass kidnapping spree. I don't think the specific details are that important, to be honest, it's better to just get down to the nitty-gritty.

Oh, and this chapter also hints towards a new idea I have for the next story I may or many not make after this! It's about an alternative, darker view over Raph's life as the Nightwatcher and how it will come back to haunt both him and his family. Yea, as you can tell, I really adore Raph...and the Nightwatcher.

* * *

**What You Deserve**

* * *

When Raph first began putting doubt in the…_idea_…it was because Mikey planted that seed of doubt in him.

"Mikey!"

Adrenaline pulsated wildly through Raph's veins as he lunged his body over to the opposite end of the eighteen-wheeler's roof. The steel, grooved ridges left his chest throbbing and aching by the time half of his body was hanging off the side, but…

"Raph!" Mikey cried out at the top of his lungs. He began to thrash around as he tried to pull himself up–which is _much_ harder than it is in the movies. And the more he tightened his hold, the more the grease in between the cracks of the roof seeped onto his fingers. "Oh shell, oh shell, oh shell," he chanted as he felt his hands start to slip. "WHY is there OIL on here!?"

"Mikey, just SHUT UP and grab onto me!" Raph snapped out as he positioned himself sturdily on the roof. He felt the metal crests dig deeply into his arms and he breathed in deeply.

"Okay, just…just keep your hands still," Mikey forced out through his shallow breaths. He forced one hand to part from the ledge, swinging it around as he tried to grab for his brother's appendage.

"Yea, you try saying that when yer on a movin' surface goin' more than 60 miles," Raph grumbled, reaching further out so that his hand could meet Mikey's at a halfway point.

But they both forgot that Mikey's fingers were slicked with oil.

Raph felt panic strike him as his brother's fingers slid from reach.

"RAPH!" Mikey screamed again, his cerulean irises darkening with horror as his other hand began to slip from the ledge.

Raph's countenance fell into a determined scowl and he quickly leaned over to get a good grip on both of Mikey's wrists. He began to slowly pull Mikey back onto the roof, shifting his own body so that he was sitting upright before he began to inch away from the ledge. He began to lean backwards as he stood up carefully on bent legs, keeping a steady grip on Mikey and–

–And then the truck decided, _right at that moment_, to hit a road bump.

"Damn it!" Raph exclaimed, quickly turning sideways so his feet could stop both him and his brother–just in time–from sliding off the roof. His skin squeezed forcefully in between the metal and he could feel a layer of his skin get torn off. And that was when he became _very_ aware of just how heavy Mikey was at the moment. "Mikey, you freaking deadweight, this is the _last _night you're _ever_ gonna eat fifteen pizza slices in one ago!"

Mikey let out a whimper of protest as he tightened his hold on Raph's fingers. "But you're the one who dared me to do that!"

Raph didn't even bother to reply to that.

From his peripheral vision, he caught a movement from the side view mirror and he saw one of the guys get out bat, motioning to someone inside to follow him.

Raph gritted his teeth. _They're comin' closer._

"I'm bringin' ya up now, Mikey!" Raph yelled, furrowing his eyebrow ridges together in concentration. Leaving no time for the younger turtle to reply, he jerked his arms upwards, feeling his shoulders scream in protest as he pulled Mikey back up onto the rooftop in one, excruciating heave.

It wouldn't have hurt so much had he _not_ been on an unstable surface and if he had more time to actually get into a better _position_, for crying out loud.

"Shit!" Raph hissed, stopping himself just in time from letting out a pained scream.

He fell flat onto his bottom with his little brother falling chest-first beside him. Only paying attention long enough to make sure Mikey was alive, Raph bent his knees and sandwiched his throbbing arms in between his thighs and his chest. Waiting for the worst to pass, he felt his jaw clench tight enough for him to wonder whether or not he cracked a tooth.

"Raph, Raph, are you okay?!" Mikey frantically asked, gingerly putting his fingers on a sore spot of Raph's shoulder.

Raph shook his head sharply as he saw one thug climb up onto the top and he forced himself to uncurl from his fetal position. He felt Mikey's fingers tighten slightly on his arm and he looked down into his brother's worry-ridden irises.

And he gave him a pained smirk.

"Ready to show them bastards why they should never mess with turtles, bro?" Raph asked, forcing the pain out of his words as he stood up carefully on throbbing feet.

Mikey gave him a wavering grin. "Sure am, Raphie," he exclaimed with a determined stare, taking his hand off Raph and whipping out his nunchakus in one, fluid motion. "And let's teach them _never_ to kidnap children too!"

Something dark settled in Raph's amber eyes and slowly, he turned his head towards the three men that dared climb onto the roof of the eighteen-wheeler. He took out both of his Sais, spinning it in between his fingers as a way to relax his burning muscles enough for the imminent action.

And through the waves of pain, Raph still found it in himself to smirk.

"Class is in session."

Mikey and Raph charged at the same time, their weapons held high above their heads as they screamed out a battle cry.

For the first time ever since having _Raph_ by his side, Mikey purposefully made sure that he would deal with more brutes than his brother. Quickly bringing a foot out, he twisted a bat out of one guy's hands with his leg and wrapped his nunchakus around it, swinging it over his head to slam it against the owner's cranium.

As the said owner went down like a sack of potatoes, the other one tried to swoop in with their own attack. Mikey dodged the shank that tried to crack open his skull, flipping onto his hands so he could make the blade bounce off his shell. Catapulting himself upright once more, he grabbed the man's wrist tightly and put his other hand against the guy's elbow.

The blade fell to the ground with a clatter.

His peripheral vision caught the other hooligan fumbling around desperately with the fallen shank a few ways beside him and Mikey grinned.

"Nuh-uh, dude!" he crowed. And pulling down on the elbow in his hands while forcefully pushing at the wrist he was gripping, he knocked the man out with his own hand. "This is for the kids!" Mikey bellowed as he delivered his final blow.

He threw the criminal he held on top of the other criminal, quickly sandwiching him in between his hefty-weighing partner and the metal ridges of the semi-trailer. He straightened himself and appraised his handiwork, standing akimbo as he proudly yelled, "Bad guys-0, Turtle Titan-2! That's right!"

"Mikey, you done?"

Mikey spun around, his nunchakus ready and his battle stance strong…

…Then he saw just who he was about to attack and his eyes _widened_.

"Wait, how long have you been standing there?"

Raph's smirk said everything.

Mikey relaxed and straightened his posture, scratching the back of his head as he looked around him. He blinked several times in confusion as he made out the _still_ features of nature around him. He recognized his surroundings immediately; they were right at the outskirts of the city.

The eighteen-wheeler was parked at the edge of a hill that–a few ways down–led to the only meadow within a thirty mile vicinity of Manhattan. Other than the main roads to the city, the only other thing that was close around here was an abandoned power plant and a thirty-year-old hermit who once threw shiny, zebra print pants at him.

'_Wow, just where in the world were these guys planning to _take_ those kids?'_ Mikey wondered, vaguely, in the back of his head.

But more importantly…

"Uh, Raph?" Mikey drawled, as he turned an uncomprehending stare to the two men also piled on top of each other beside his brother's feet. He stared a bit more at the shades of black and blue painted over their arms, neck, and eyes, then turned his stare back towards Raph. "When the shell did you stop the truck?"

Raph's smirk widened. "'Round the same time I knocked this guy out," he said with a slight snicker, jabbing his scarred and wounded toes against the top guy's ribs.

Mikey pouted, putting his nunchakus back into his sash as he crossed his arms defensively. "Just so you know, that means we had the same amount of bad guys."

Raph cocked an eyebrow ridge. "Sure."

"And _that_ means," Mikey enunciated, point a thumb towards himself, "I was pulling my own weight! So you can't accuse me of being lazy or anything."

Mikey's unsaid accusations didn't go unheard…

…_Like you always used to do._

Raph's shoulders stiffened and his smirk shrunk into a forced facsimile. He walked closer to his brother, lightly punching the younger one's bicep. "Yea, yea, bro, I know that." He felt something inside of him twist with guilt as he saw waves of surprise seep into those cerulean blue irises. "Even for a knucklehead like you, ya _always_ pull your weight."

Mikey couldn't look more confused even if he tried.

Raph inwardly sighed and he averted his eyes to the side, rubbing the back of his head.

"Guess I never told ya that I never meant it back then," Raph muttered, avoiding the weight of Mikey's incredulous stare as he looked further out into the night.

Then, vaguely, he heard the wailing sirens of police cars echo off in the distance.

He shook his head and rolled his eyes, throwing a hand off to the side as he grumbled, "Yea, sure, NOW they come."

"Well, you know what they say, Raph," Mikey chuckled, his eyes soft as amber irises hesitantly looked back at him. "Better late than seeing two giant, talking, ninja-looking, awesome excuse of a mutant teenage turtles."

Raph couldn't stop himself from cracking a grin at that.

"Yea, yea, whatever," he scoffed, giving his brother an affectionate glance before he pivoted on his heel. "Let's jus' get the shell outta here 'fore we become two, giant, _shot_ teen turtles."

"Aw, come on, Raphie, they wouldn't…" Mikey suddenly stopped in his tracks as realization struck through him. "…Hey, wait!" Mikey exclaimed, stopping Raph right before he jumped off the roof. Once Raph looked back at him, Mikey pointed frantically below him as a guilty worry edged onto his features. "We forgot about the kids!"

Raph shot his brother a raised eyebrow ridge over his shoulder. "Mikey, the good guys are comin' to save the day, aren't they?" With a pause, Raph blinked a few times at that and let out a derisive snort. "Or what's _left_ of it, anyways." Jerking a thumb towards the several black and white cars coming their way, he continued, "But yea, they can take much better care of them than we'd be able to."

Mikey's face relaxed into a relieved smile and with loosened shoulders, he nodded in agreement with Raph.

"Yea, alright." He waited for his brother to jump off the roof before joining him onto the grassy slope of the hilltops. "Hahah, I forgot about the kids," Mikey giggled to himself as he silently slid down the hill with Raph right there beside him. "They're the reason why we were on that truck in the first place."

"Can't believe I'm sayin' this, Mike," Raph murmured, easily avoiding a branch that was in his way. "But s'good thing ya forced me to go with ya to that pizza restaurant."

Though, he was actually caught by surprise when he saw that sizeable kidnapping spree take place right in the alleyway behind it. Which was actually kind of stupid, now that Raph thought of it. He should've already been _used_ to seeing those types of incidents by now, with all the crap he ran into as the Nightwatcher.

But being back with his brothers had softened him up quite nicely.

"I'm _chockfull_ of GREAT ideas," Mikey chirped as he flipped over a rabbit that was too slow to hop out of the way. And before Raph was able to reply…"Besides, you spent three _hours_ looking for that science series with Donnie, so next to that, anything would be a better idea."

Raph imagined the deprecating look that Donnie would've given them right about now. And he let his lips stretch into a wide grin. "We _did_ watch Die Hard after that," defended Raph. "But yea, ya got a point there."

"I'm chockfull of GREAT points," Mikey reiterated with a toothy smile, bending his legs slightly as he finally reached the ground.

Raph reached the bottom right afterwards and both of them patted their hands together to get rid of the grass stains and dirt particles that clung to their palms. Vaguely, they could hear the wonderful sounds of police men ordering others to bring out blankets and water bottles for the children, as well as calling for extra back-up so they could bring the said kids back home.

"Where do you think they were going to take them?" Mikey suddenly asked, unable to help but look back onto the top of the hill. His cerulean eyes reflected the flashing red and blue lights from the police cars. "There's nothing around here other than abandoned buildings and…" Mikey snorted slightly. "…And some dude who _wants_ to be abandoned."

With an unreadable glint in his eyes, Raph stared silently at Mikey as he tried to find a way to respond to that. He knew _exactly_ where they were planning to go and he knew _exactly_ what they were planning to do. While they did it in a wholly stupid way and whoever hired them is going to break into their prison cells to _murder_ them, it had enough parallels for it to be recognizable to Raph.

Simply because it was similar to one of the many things he got caught up in as a vigilante. One of the many things he would've never even gotten _close_ to with his brothers still by his side.

Things that would've made his family understand just how _revolting_ the ugly side of this city was.

And for as long as he lived, he was going to make sure they _never_ find out about what lies behind the cloak and walls of Manhattan's mask.

Raph zeroed back into his brother's cerulean irises, still looking wonderingly at the hilltop. And for a split second, he began to imagine just how…_haunted_ those eyes would've looked like had the younger turtle saw the same things Raph saw.

He forced himself to gulp down the bile that threatened to escape his lips.

'_You especially, Mikey,_' Raph's inner voice whispered to him. '_You ain't _ever_ going to figure that out…_' A sudden epiphany made Raph's mind quiet, with only one thought staying behind to be heard. '_…Not as long as I'm here with ya._'

"Raph?" Mikey looked back at his older brother oddly. "You okay, dude? You suddenly just froze up!"

Raph nodded slowly and nodded once. "Yea. M'fine," he replied in an unassuming tone. "And where they were headin'? It beats me." Ignoring the perceptive stare Mikey sent his way, Raph firmly nudged his brother's arm as he motioned his head towards the side. "C'mon, let's go 'fore they decide ta look over here."

Mikey blinked a few times, furrowing his eyebrow ridges together as he nodded silently.

They made their long, steady trek through the fields and back to where they knew they had one father and two other brothers waiting for them and probably worried sick about them. It was honestly a surprise their shell cell hadn't rung even once in the past few hours.

It took a few moments before Raph's quiet voice cut through the air.

"Hey, Mikey?"

Mikey turned his head sideways to look at his older brother. It unnerved him quite a bit with the way Raph's face was cloaked so well in the shadows that he wasn't able to even see the other one's facial features anymore. It really wasn't _that_ dark and Mikey was sure that Raph–if he looked over his way–would've been able to see him just fine.

…It really did unnerve him.

"Yea, Raph?"

"Thanks. Again." Mikey heard Raph gulp. "For bringin' me out here."

Mikey almost stopped in his tracks, his subconscious putting up warning bells as he heard the incredibly sincere voice painted over Raph's words. The underlying tones were too deep, too _heartfelt_ to pertain towards a simple dinner and even for a complicated midnight rescue.

Mikey couldn't stop himself from also gulping.

Scratching the back of his head, he forced out a small laugh and replied, "You know, you should be thanking my skills in _Rock, Paper, Scissors_ for that."

He let out an inaudibly relieved sigh when Raph craned his neck all the way to look at him, his amber irises glinting clearly in the moonlight. "…Alright?"

Mikey's grin came out a bit more genuine. "Uh-huh! Ever since Donnie told us about how you two spent the whole _day_ together, we were all expecting you to do the same with me 'n' Leo," Mikey explained, a bounce becoming more apparent in his step with each passing word.

Raph's face fell into a wry expression. Of course, Mikey was right, but…"What am I to ya? Some timeshare babysitter?"

Mikey snickered as he poked playfully at Raph's shoulder. "Hey, we were excited, alright? It took two months after Leo came back for you to _actually_ want to hang out with us again."

Raph's stare instantaneously softened.

Pretending he didn't see that, Mikey looked out straight out into the distance again and continued, "Anyways, yea, so word spread and we got souped-up for our turns." The flickering city lights began to glimmer across the horizons of the field. "The problem was, we couldn't wait for you to choose next, so we decided to do it for you!"

Raph's left eye began to twitch. "And _Rock, Paper, Scissors_ came in _when_, exactly?"

Mikey's grin widened until he felt it would be glued onto his face. "Well, Leo–you know him–he sided with Master Splinter when he said he wanted us to 'exercise patience and let Raphael be the one to decide,'" Mikey said in his best impersonation of his sensei.

Raph couldn't stop himself from smiling at that and it made his self-respect plummet to a point where it drowned itself in the ocean.

Mikey, on the other hand, felt a sense of triumph take over him when he saw his brother's expression.

"But we ended up going with _Rock, Paper, Scissors_ because there was only a 33.333-percent chance of us getting rock-rock, paper-paper, and scissors-scissors," Mikey said with an air of absolute confidence in what he was saying. "And that's why Leo kept glaring at me all throughout dinner last night."

Raph bit his inner cheek in an effort not to burst out laughing. He may not know anything worth crap when it came to statistical reasoning, but he was _very_ sure something wasn't right about those odds. And the fact that Leo and Splinter fell for such a thing had Donnie's ingenious doing written _all_ over it.

"So, lemme get this straight," Raph drawled, as he began stretching his aching arms to the side. His feet were throbbing like hell as well, but he figured he could tough it all the way back to the sewers without any trouble. He made it back home with worse injuries, anyways. "You guys decide ya couldn't wait one more day and I suddenly become some _Trophy Turtle_?"

He wasn't sure if he should feel pissed or amused.

"Not just some Trophy Turtle," Mikey innocently rebutted, his cerulean eyes becoming a beacon of jolliness as he looked at his brother. "_The_ Trophy Turtle!"

Raph was pretty sure he should feel pissed.

But, just for this night, Raph decided to smirk and let Mikey off with a warning.

"Ow!" Mikey moaned, rubbing the back of his head feverishly as he skipped a step in his walking pace. "Dude," he grumbled, "I forgot how hard your punches can…" Suddenly, he stopped himself midsentence as his eyes widened just a fraction. "…Hey! Your punches actually hurt!"

Raph gave an annoyed glance at Mikey's _way_ too exuberant exclamation.

"You and Donnie both," Raph sighed out while wryly pulling his lips to the side. "Why are ya two so damn _glad_ to be abused?"

Mikey blinked at that. _'Huh,_' his inner voice said with absolute surprise. '_That's _so_ true._' And the thought made him grin with pure amusement.

"Hey, you totally forgot Leo in all this and he's on the same pallet as us, you know! And plus, you can't blame us bec–" Mikey cut himself off right when he turned his sights back to his brother, just in time to see Raph wince as he jerked his hands to the side to crack his elbows and wrists.

For the second time that night, Mikey realized he had forgotten an incredibly important detail and he couldn't feel any stupider about it.

Biting his inner cheek, he slowly dropped his hands from his aching cranium as he looked cautiously at his older brother. "Raph?" he asked softly. "Are you okay?"

Raph looked startled at that, spinning his head towards him with a look of surprise seeping onto his features. "What?" he started, looking confused at Mikey's concerned stare before a strike of realization shot through his brain. "Oh, yea, I'm good, Mikey. This ain't nothin' to be sweatin' over, s'just some cuts and bruises."

Before them, the skyscrapers of the city they called _theirs_ grew brighter and bigger the more they walked forward.

A slow, bittersweet smile grew on Mikey's lips. "Oh, right, I forgot," he said. "You probably got way worse battle scars as the Nightwatcher, huh?"

Raph took a quick glance at Mikey's inquisitive stare and he looked straight ahead of him as he remembered how _Donnie's_ stare looked when he found out about that little tidbit.

"Wasn't that bad," Raph muttered as he quickly brought his arms down onto his sides. He hated himself for lying to Mikey but he couldn't very well say that the worse of the 'battle scars' were the ones that were left on his mind. "'Sides," Raph continued in a lighter voice, turning an unreadable smirk towards Mikey. "I'm not the Nightwatcher anymore, Mikey. That vigilante don't matter now either."

Mikey looked at Raph through cloaked eyes. "The Nightwatcher's a hero," he quietly pointed out, never breaking eye contact with the older turtle. "He _mattered_ to _me_. And you'll always be the Nightwatcher, Raph." A small, sincere smile broke through Mikey's hesitance. "To me."

Raph felt something inside of him crack.

"Thanks…" he said, his voice wavering from his suddenly throbbing throat. "…Turtle Titan."

Then Mikey smiled brilliantly at him and Raph had to tear his eyes away from the sight.

But he felt the warmth of that smile reach him anyways, outshining both the illuminations from Manhattan and the ethereal glow from the moon.

It was a view that made him think, question, rationalize…it made him _wonder_…if Mikey would still be able to say the same thing if Raph were to disappear where he _wouldn't_ be able to matter to anyone, anymore.

And he wasn't sure if he wanted to find that out.

* * *

Raph was not used to doubting himself. When he believes in something, he _believes in it_ - No matter how painful it is, how much he doesn't want to, and no matter who fights against him because of it. That's why he wasn't used to questioning himself, he wasn't used to thinking MAYBE.

But either way, that was the night he still couldn't stop himself from wondering maybe...just _maybe_...

* * *

I know, I portrayed Mikey very innocently in this chapter. But the creators of the CGI film admitted that they consider Mikey to be the most 'innocent,' which is also the reason why they gave him baby blue eyes. Because...well...he's the baby. :) I tried to incorporate that idea here, which is why it came out the way it did.

If you are confused by anything else in here, please feel free to ask for clarification. The next chapter - with our one and only Leo - is expected to come out this Friday.


	4. Leonardo: The Decision

I know, I'm a few hours behind schedule, I'm really sorry! Usually, I'm better at updates than this, but as you can see with this chapter...IT'S INCREDIBLY LONG. I tried to make myself take out the unnecessary details in order to shorten it, but dang, I'm not known for being succinct and I have no idea how to make myself succinct...I've failed essays this way!

Anyways, since this chapter is practically never-ending (I hope the overload of details don't overload you!), I won't add any other unnecessary information.

Just this **warning: **Leo may be OOC in here, depending on how you portray him. Along with this **note:** There are some references in here back to chapter one. All you need to remember is the part where Donnie turns his back on Raph in order to clean up the medical supplies and that's where this line comes in - "_It had become an all too familiar site." _It's not REALLY important, but I thought it'd help you all get through this one. :)

**PLEASE READ EDIT OF 9/2/2012 AT BOTTOM OF CHAPTER.**

* * *

**What You Deserve**

* * *

When Raph finally knew what to do with the…_idea_…he had Leo by his side to help him choose the path he believed he needed to walk on.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, RAPHAEL!" Leo screeched as he clung harder to Raph's waist, clenching his eyes shut together tightly as he tried to shut out the blurring colors that zoomed past him.

"Heh, music to my ears!" Raph exclaimed through his peels of maniacal laughter. He revved the engine until it drowned out his cackles, going from 60 to 70mph. And he could've _sworn_ he heard Leo whimper. "Didn't I _tell_ ya we'd have to go on my cycle, Leo?"

"Yes, you did tell me that," Leo snapped out, peeking his eyes open just a bit before shutting them closed immediately. They weren't in the city anymore, he knew that much, and the distorted shapes of numerous lines of trees proved that to him. "But I only agreed to that because you _promised_ me you'd go SLOW!"

Raph scoffed loudly. His poor, naïve brother. Going slow? On his _baby_? Which Donnie took the liberty of mechanically engineering into going a maximum speed of 180mph? No. Just…no…how can Leo not realize how wrong that sounded?

"I did not promise that, bro," Raph replied, pausing so that he could properly maneuver his bike through a turn…without slowing down. "I promised we'd get there in one piece." He winced as he felt Leo squeeze his midriff harder, almost cutting off all means of breathing.

"Yes, what a MORON was I to think 'getting there in one piece' meant going at a speed that would make _sure _we'd get there in one piece," Leo growled, his words almost getting lost in the wind. It was honestly a wonder how they could even still hear each other at that point.

"Aw, now you're just bein' unreasonable," Raph replied with a snicker. He turned a sharp left onto a ramp that would bring him up to the entryway towards the abandoned power plant he and Mikey was at a few days ago.

"Me–Unreasonable!?" said Leo, disbelief coloring his voice to a point where it just made him sound just plain pissed. "If I'm unreasonable, then there must be a whole new word for people like you!"

Raph quickly reached over to playfully flick at his brother's visor. "Come on, _oh Fearless one_, stop bein' such a wuss," he said, smirking as he _felt_ his passenger seethe behind him. "Jus' pull your hands away, throw them up in the air, and then you'll have–"

Leo didn't even give him a chance to finish.

"NO!" Leo yelled, raising his head so that his visor knocked against the back of Raph's helmet. "No, I won't and you know _why_, HOTHEAD?" His fingers dug into Raph's plastron and, vehemently, he hoped he was hurting him. "Because then I would fall off and die before I get to take you down with me!"

"Don't be such a killjoy," Raph said, mirth coating his every word. "You know I'd never let ya fall off."

"I'll be a joy once I kill you," Leo darkly returned, but finally, he loosened his death hold as he settled back down against Raph's shell. And in a lighter tone, he continued, "At least, until you somehow find a way back to come back from the dead and haunt me in my sleep."

Raph's shoulders loosened at that and an unnaturally wide grin took place on his face.

Gosh, how he missed this; just hanging out with Leo and arguing with him like they always used to do. He went so long without it that he forgot just how nice it was and _still is_. Just how did he survive a whole year without this?

'_You didn't,_' said a small voice, sadistic and unbidden in the confines of his mind. '_You didn't survive._' Raph couldn't stop himself from wincing.

'_Remember?_'

Raph suddenly felt nauseous and with it, the road became blurry to him. It morphed with the trees on the side and the encroaching darkness made it even harder to decipher which was pavement and which was gravel.

It took him a bit more time until he could really comprehend that the haziness was because _he wasn't able to see straight anymore_.

Now, that wasn't new to Raph. One time, he wasn't able to gain enough distance before he went flying back against the pavement due to the aftershock of an explosion. When he gained consciousness, his helmet was thrown off of him, he was unable to see in one eye because it was so swollen, and he was half-blind in the other eye because it was buried underneath stray particles of dirt.

But he was damn determined to make it back home before midnight (he promised) and not even a _loss of sight_ was going to stop him. So he drove all the way back home on his bike–nonstop and without getting in an accident–until he could safely hide away in the darkness of the sewers.

That's why, at first, Raph wasn't worried.

Then his heart skipped a beat when he remembered that Leo was riding at the back with him.

'_Shit!_' he inwardly yelped, trying not to let his racing pulse take control over his senses as he forced himself to _slowly_ press on the breaks. He didn't dare tear his eyes away from the speedometer as it gradually went from 80 to zero in a few painstaking minutes.

"Raph?" Leo's voice, ridden with concern, broke through the fog in Raph's head. He felt his brother pull away from him to place a grounding hand on his shoulder. "Why are you slowing down?"

Raph find it ironic that slowing down his bike _troubled_ Leo instead of _calmed_ him.

Shaking his head slightly, he parked his motorcycle right before the bridge that led up to the Power Plant's main compound. Unfolding the place folder at the side, he waited for a click as it hit the dirt and then slammed a foot against the ground.

He took a few seconds to catch his breath and calm down his mile-per-minute heartbeats before he dared reply to his brother. "We gotta walk the rest of the way," he slowly replied, relieved to find that his voice was still able to sound normal.

"Al…right," Leo said hesitantly, slowly getting off his seat as he removed the helmet from his head. "Any reason? You could've stopped closer than this. We're still a bit far from the Power Plant."

Raph shrugged as he swung his leg to one side, taking off his own helmet before he dismounted his bike. "Just thought some exercise would be, uh, good," he replied, wincing at how stupid that sounded.

_Seriously, _he used to be able to make snap omissions and falsehoods right off the bat when he needed to. Now he can't even make a straight, convincing lie. Sure he was able to lie to Mikey about the truth behind the kidnapping spree, but that was different…

Either way, being back with his brothers and father had _softened_ him _up._

'_Guess this is why they don't like it when spies and assassins have families,_' Raph thought wryly.

"Alright," Leo repeatedly softly, not liking the look in Raph's eyes.

It was a glint he had seen way too much in his brother's eyes ever since he got back. But he didn't know exactly how to bring that up and he wasn't sure if he was even _merited_ to do so. Not even Splinter, Mikey, and Don were able to get anything out of him and _they_ were here the whole time.

'_So how much more for me?_' Leo asked, hopelessness weighing down his features.

With a soft sigh, he averted his eyes downwards and spoke, "Well, Raph, you're the leader for tonight." He placed his helmet gently on the backseat of the motorcycle. "Where is this special spot you wanted to show me?"

Raph's resolve for secrecy almost broke when he heard the tone Leo's voice was in. It was very obvious what the older turtle wanted to ask and what was stopping him from asking it was just as palpable. But the mere fact that Leo _was_ holding back from grilling Raph about everything and anything showed just how far the other one had come.

Raph gave a sincere, heartfelt smile that thoroughly caught Leo off guard.

"Follow me, bro," Raph said, motioning once over his shoulder before he pivoted on his heel and began to walk across the rusting metal bridge.

Leo was frozen where he stood for a moment before a slow grin crept onto his face. A soft chuckle escaped his lips and, quickly, he began to follow after his brother.

And when Leo fell in step beside his brother, Raph was suddenly hit with the notion that the older turtle should get _some_ details, even if it wasn't _everything_. The only thing he was hoping for was that it didn't somehow _turn_ into everything.

But steeling himself against the temptation, he took a deep breath and made himself go for it.

"I used ta come here a lot," Raph began in an easy tone as he looked straight at the path ahead of him, not glancing once at the person walking next to him.

But Leo, on the other hand, unashamedly looked his way. "Really? Why?" To be honest, he couldn't even imagine the _homeless_ people coming down here to take over this place. It wasn't so much because the place was that much of a dump, but it's just because…well, it's an abandoned _Power Plant_.

"I don't wanna give anythin' away," Raph replied with a half-grin, "But there's a view here that kicks ass."

Leo raised an eyebrow ridge at Raph, impressed. "Oh, now I _really_ have to see it if it gets _you_ all excited."

Raph finally looked over at Leo, a smirk planted on him. "Hey, I can appreciate the finer things in nature." He shrugged one shoulder as he made a sweeping gesture at nothing in particular. "I ain't _that_ much of an idiot."

Leo reached over to lay a hand on Raph's arm. "I never implied that and I never will," Leo stated seriously before letting his hand drop to his side. "I'm just saying that there are only a few views you really like enough to go out of your way to show us." Leo paused for a moment, before hesitantly asking, "You _have_ showed Donnie and Mikey, right?"

Raph's silence was the only answer needed.

He winced slightly at the incredulous look he was given. "Hey, don't look at me like that," Raph defended with a slight scowl. "I don't got a reason to!"

Leo's nonexistent eyebrows rose at that. "But you have a reason to show _me_?" Leo asked skeptically.

Raph let out a snort and before he could think about what he was saying, he replied, "_You're_ the reason why I kept comin' back here in the first place." At the same time, both Leo and Raph's eyes widened and Raph felt his stomach flutter guiltily. "That…didn't mean ta come out…"

A look of trepidation grew on Leo's face. "Sure," Leo said, a bitter taste pooling in his mouth. He suddenly had a feeling why no one was told what was going through Raph's head. "You don't only go here for the view, don't you?"

Raph looked down at the broken tiles of the cobblestone pathway they were walking on. "I told ya. That didn't mean ta come out."

Leo smiled weakly at that as he looked away, quietly responding, "It's alright. You only told me the truth and I shouldn't be offended by the truth."

Raph's stare turned unconvinced. "Yea, but that wasn't what ya wanted ta hear, right?"

It may seem peculiar, but Raph no longer wanted Leo to feel bad about what he did. He was _way_ past punishing Leo for going MIA. His brother returned, they blew up like Mount Vesuvius at each other, suffered the consequences, and now they got over it. That's the thing with Raph; he will start by trying to hurt you ten times more than you have hurt him, but after everything is done and over with, it is _done_ and o_ver_ with.

It's not even worth mentioning.

That's why it kind of pissed him off that his mouth went off–_again_–and mentioned it.

"Okay, fine, no, that _isn't_ what I wanted to hear," Leo replied as he let out a soft sigh. He winced as Raph's hand abruptly dropped from his shoulder. He turned his head quickly to his brother, his wince turning into a grimace as he caught the culpability lurking in Raph's countenance. "But those are details I have to know, Raph. Even if it does hurt, even if I don't want to hear it, I need to know it."

Raph's eyes suddenly lit up amusedly at that. "Sounds like somethin' _I'd_ say."

Leo grinned. "It does, doesn't it?" For some reason, the thought made Leo proud of himself. But for once in his life, he decided _not_ to overthink the 'why.' "Guess that makes us more alike than we thought," he said, his tone teasing but his words genuine.

An odd and unreadable glint entered Raph's irises. But he turned towards his brother with an open smile. "Nah. It was jus' that time out there in yourjungle that screwed with yer head."

That made Leo pause for a bit, a thoughtful look gathering in his eyes. "It's not _my_ jungle," he started, a wry edge rimming his voice. "You are _my_ brother, this is _my_ city, the sewers is _my_ home," he emphasized, looking directly, albeit hesitantly, into his brother's dumbstruck irises. "But that had never, once, been _my_ jungle."

Raph looked down slightly, swallowing a lump down in his throat as his fists clenched into a quivering fist.

And unexpectedly, he blurted out, "I'm sorry."

Leo blinked a few times at that before intelligibly voicing, "…What?"

The back of Raph's neck began to heat up.

He couldn't bring himself to look at his brother as he further explained, "I thought ya didn't come home 'cause you _thought_ it was your jungle. Ya got no more expectations, ya didn't have to look after us all the time, ya didn't have to be perfect Mr. Splinter's pet. It made sense." Raph smirked wryly at Leo's shocked expression. "What, think I didn't know ya that well?"

A small, awed smile spread across Leo's lips. "No. I just forgot you did," he whispered. Then averting his eyes downwards slightly, he softly pointed out, "But that doesn't explain why you're sorry."

Raph's irises turned bittersweet. "I'm sorry 'cause…" Something heavy began to weigh down on his features. "…It never occurred to me that you didn't come back '_cause_ you were miserable down there." Leo flinched at that and outright grimaced when piercing amber eyes turned towards him. "You were, weren't you?"

Leo's lips pulled down to the side, his eyelids closing halfway at that. "I was," he replied, weakly.

"Thought so," Raph mumbled, rubbing the back of his head as he looked back at the trail. "But what was it, Leo? I know the why, I just don't know…" Raph's voice wandered into nothing more a moment and it was the silence that cut sharply into Leo's mind. "…What was it that stopped ya from coming back to _your home_."

A painfully unreadable smile came onto Leo's face. "I asked myself that every day," he disclosed in a quiet voice. A look of pain and loneliness came onto his face and it was more than enough for _Raph_ to feel hollow. "Would you believe me if I said it _wasn't_ because of all the expectations placed on me?"

Raph cocked an eyebrow ridge. "No. And didn't ya jus' say that was the reason?"

Leo chuckled at that and correcting, "No, I said I forgot that you knew me so well." Raph gave him a dry stare and Leo smirked at the expression. But as it fell from his lips, he continued, "Anyways, yes, the expectations had a part in it but I wasn't scared because I _knew_ I had them." Leo's eyes lowered. "I was scared because I thought I wasn't good enough to live up to them."

Raph's eyes widened. "Leo…"

A pained expression fell over Leo's countenance and he looked into Raph's amber irises with a desperate sincerity in them.

"Of course I wanted to be the son Master Splinter would be proud of. Of course I wanted to be the leader you all needed me to be. I _want _to look after Donnie and Mikey…after _you_." A glimmer of contentment shined through the shadows on Leo's face. "I never resented my responsibilities, Raphael. I felt honored by it." Suddenly, a vulnerability appeared on Leo's face and it made him seem _so much younger_ in Raph's eyes. "It was only me I resented."

Raphael spun around completely and stopped dead in his tracks, grabbing Leo's shoulders in a tight grip with a look of absolute conviction set deeply in his amber eyes.

"God damn, no wonder you didn't come back," Raph growled, his conviction becoming accompanied with incredulity and a little bit of guilt.

Leo flinched once more at that. "Raph–"

"No, don't interrupt me," Raph…interrupted. He ignored the wry stare sent his way. "Leo, don't ya _ever_ fuckin' do that to yerself or I swear, I really _will_ kick yer head open! Masta Splinter shouldn't have even sent ya away in the first place. Yer one shell of a son, definitely his best _student_ fer cryin' out loud, and…" Raph took a deep breath as he finally confessed aloud, "…And you could never be a better leader even if ya _tried_."

Leo was sure Raph would _never_ be able to understand just how much those words meant to him.

It almost made him wish he had a tape recorder…but his stay in South America had taught him a lot of things. And one of it was how _impersonal_ and _meaningless _it becomes when you try to force the moments in your life to be remembered.

And, well, he knew he didn't have to preserve Raph's words in his memory–because it already _was_.

And that is why, for the first time in his life, his chest _didn't_ throb with pain-racking pressure when he admitted…

"That's not true." Leo smiled gently. Raph's eyes widened at the look of affection that graced his brother's countenance. "Raph, there are so many things that I realized; things I never would've figured out if I stayed here." Raph inaudibly gulped at those all-too-familiar words. "The results may not have been obvious at first, but I'm really glad that it happened."

They stopped in front of the Power Plant's cooling tower. Raph slid his stare back to the broken entrance way of the towering building they stood in front of, turning towards it fully as he tried to find the words that wanted to escape from him.

And when he found it, Raph knew that - someday - he was going to regret asking it but…"Was it worth it, then?" he asked softly. "Being alone? Makin' us go on without ya? Was that all worth whatever you were tryin' to do do out there?"

Something in Raph's voice made Leo want to say 'no.'

But something in Leo's sense of honor made him say…

"Yes." Leo turned his head back to Raph. "I'm not sure if that's the answer you wanted, but it was." Raph's amber irises became…poisoned, somehow. As if Leo's words reawakened something that should've been dead a long time ago.

Leo's throat became a desert as the sudden urge to _take back his words_ almost made the oxygen stop going to his brain. But instead–

"I became the person I needed to be," Leo forced out through a throbbing throat.

Raph made a small 'hmn' sound, a sudden epiphany striking into his solemn smile. He let his head drop forwards again and silently, he reached over to push open the cracked, steel door hanging by its hinges.

His hand paused right before he touched the surface.

"No. That ain't what I wanted to hear," Raph replied slowly, lightly laying his fingers against the entrance way. "But that's alright. 'Cause that's not what matters." He jerked the door open with a light push and stepped inside before Leo had the time to reply to that.

Leo's eyes furrowed together. "Raph? What did you mean by that?" He squinted his eyes to see through the blackness Raph disappeared into. "Raph?"

A resounding bang of metal against metal greeted Leo's ears. "In here, Fearless!"

With hesitant steps, Leo forced himself to follow after Raph. Suddenly, he was swallowed up by shadows and rapidly, he blinked his eyes to adjust to the dimmed settings. Narrowing his eyes slightly, he waited for his senses to catch up with him and immediately, he felt his senses sharpen.

Nodding his head a bit, he finally craned his head upwards and stared at the open metal floor stretched out above him. It was illuminated with the pale glow the moon filtering in through the bar grating design, making him smile slightly…

…Until he remembered that Raph should _be here_ somewhere.

"Raph?" Leo called, paranoia making him grip the handle of his katana behind him. "Raph, where are you!?"

"Wow, yer time in that jungle really made a mess outta ya, huh?" Raph said, the exasperation in his voice echoing everywhere.

Leo's eyes widened when he realized that the area which blocked the moonlight from his view was…

"Raph!" Leo hissed, looking incredulously at the foot on the other side of the metal divider. "What are you doing up there? This place has been abandoned for over twenty years, that thing could cave in at any second now!"

Raph snorted at that. "Trust me when I say this, Leo: sure, it's gonna cave someday, but I'm tellin' ya now that it ain't gonna any time soon." Raph looked down at the cracks below his feet, smirking wryly at the auburn eyes glaring back up at him.

"Is that so," Leo bit out sarcastically.

Raph shook his head slightly as he rolled his eyes. And walking slowly to the floor door a few ways beside him and kneeling down, he stuck his hand through the door. "Look, you wanna see why I come 'ere a lot or don't ya?"

There was a period of stillness that, for a moment, made Raph's wonder if he took things too far.

"I do," Leo said quietly, a torn sigh accompanying his words.

"Alright then," Raph said with a triumphant grin as Leo finally came to view, an expression of irritation and resignation intertwined palpably on the elder one's face.

"I'm trusting you here, Raph," Leo sighed as he wrapped his fingers around his brother's, letting himself be pulled up from the safety of the first floor and onto the deathtrap of the second.

"I'm honored," Raph replied and despite his mocking words, he had to swallow down the lump that formed in the back of his throat.

And once he stood back to let his brother step onto the metal floors, he didn't even have any time to point upwards when Leo tilted his head back and…

"Oh my _shell_," Leo breathed, eyes wide and mouth dropped open. His expression of utter awe brought a grin onto Raph's face.

Raph looked back onto the sky as well as he said in a warm voice, "Yea. I know."

Stars. Oceans of them. Sprinkled across the canvas of the midnight sky, millions of it hung above their heads like an unending landscape. It was an explosion that tore open through the darkness and the way their glimmers of light reflected off Raph and Leo's irises proved it.

A small smile quivered across Leo's lips. "This is amazing. I never knew they had this back home."

Raph looked back his brother, smiling contentedly at the expression of wonderment still embedded on his face. "Hey Leo?" He waited until those auburn irises turned towards him. "Back in the jungle…did ya see a lot of stars there?"

Leo nodded. "Yes." He began to rub his bicep as he admitted, "I looked at it every night before going to sleep–it was the only thing I liked about that place."

Raph's smile became strained. "M'glad," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck as Leo shot him a questioning look. And for a few moments, that's what they did; _stare_ at each other.

"Raph?" Leo asked quietly. "What is it?"

Raph parted his mouth slightly, but when his brother's eyes caught his, his mouth slid closed.

"Raph," Leo tried again, his gaze becoming penetrating. Quickly, an idea formed in his head and, slowly, he found himself saying, "When night fell in the cave I was hiding in, I always made a fire. Even when there was a chance someone could see it, I just _had_ to."

Leo smiled half-heartedly at the silently inquiring gaze Raph sent him.

"It wasn't to ward off predators, the darkness, or the cold," Leo continued, his eyes falling to Raph's belt sash. "It was so I could pretend I was back in the sewers. With all of you, because…" His voice began to falter. "…Because I never had to make a fire to be warm _there_." Leo looked back at Raph, the strange mix of his hurt and his sincerity reflected onto his little brother's irises.

"You were torturing yerself, ya know that?" Raph pointed out, rubbing the back of his neck as he let out a depressed sigh.

Leo took one sweeping glance at the shadows that surrounded them. "I have a feeling so were you."

Raph's eyes widened nervously at that, struggling to keep his wavering connection with his brother. And all he wanted was to _shut_ his _mouth_ in eternal secrecy. But he knew it was his turn now. He knew what Leo was trying to get at with his little story.

So he forced himself to open his mouth.

"There were these times…when I thought I was forgettin' ya," Raph started, trying to ignore the dumbstruck look Leo gave him. "It was drivin' me nuts, the thought of it." He gave into a half-hearted chuckle. "And I needed…I needed a place ta remember. I was lucky 'nough to find out 'bout _this_ place."

From the audible gulp that Leo didn't bother to hide, Raph knew what he was going back to…

"_You don't only go here for the view, don't you?"_

Raph gritted his teeth _hard_. But he knew that his second choice was, eventually, falling into another Freudian slip, so he might as well–

"So I started coming here," Raph muttered. "Because I was thinking that wherever the shell you were, there _had _ta be a crapload of stars, right? You had ta be lookin' up at 'em too." Despite himself, a small smile stretched across Raph's lips. "Turns out, you were. And ya know what that means, bro?" Something veiled came onto Raph's features…and Leo wanted to scream. "That meant you were looking up at the stars with me."

Leo shook his head rapidly at that, taking a step closer towards his brother and raising a hand towards him.

It was a sight that made Donnie flash through Raph's mind and it gave him a sense of déjà vu.

Shaking the image out of his head, Raph stepped closer towards his brother's outstretched fingers, making _sure_ that his shell wasn't turned towards his older brother.

"Leo," Raph asked with furrowed eyebrows. "What're ya–"

"That look!" Leo snapped, helpless confusion tearing his voice apart. "You always have this _look_ in your eyes, this _darkness_ behind your words, this regret, this sadness, this…" A sudden epiphany crashed head first into his mind. "…Raph…is it because of the Nightwatcher?" Raph's shoulders stiffened and Leo began to tread carefully. "It is, isn't it? Did you do something…or did something _happen_…when you were him?"

Raph clenched his eyes together tightly…

…But it wasn't quick enough for Leo to miss the emptiness embedded deeply in those irises.

Leo fought the lightheadedness rushing through his veins from taking over his head. "Raph," he whispered, "This is why I didn't want you to be that vigilante." He could only imagine what his brother went through _without him_ as that metal-clad law enforcer. And his imagination took him to places that made him _sick_. "People lose themselves with that kind of life."

Raph looked blankly at his brother. "Speakin' from experience?"

Leo shook his head grimly…sadly. "Speaking from _other_ people's experience."

Raph recoiled at that. And said the only thing he _could_ say. "I'm sorry."

Raph wasn't sure if Leo knew exactly what that sorry was meant for. But whatever Leo connected it to, it didn't matter. Because whatever Leo _thought_ he was sorry for…Raph was sorry for it.

"Don't say that," Leo sighed out, fatigue weighing down his eyes. "You have nothing to be sorry for." Then with earnestness deep-set on his countenance, he added, "And I don't like it when you say that."

Almost instantaneously, Raph's solemnity morphed into a scowl. "Damn, what is with you 'n' everyone else?" he barked. "Masta Splinter don't like it when I listen, Donnie likes when I insult 'im, Mikey likes it when I punch 'im, and you don't like it when I apologize." He threw his hands up in the air, high above his head. "What the shell is wrong with all of you!?"

Leo rolled his eyes at that, but a small, pleased smile came onto his lips. "We don't like being _abused_, Raph," he pointed out gently. "We like when you are _you_."

Raph paused immediately at that. Slowly bringing his hands back down to his side, he just let Leo's words resonate stubbornly within the confines in his mind. And he let himself take a few seconds to finally just…

…_Get it._

"There it is," Leo said in gradual apprehension, looking warily at the unreadable edge rimming his brother's features. "There it is again. That look."

Raph let out an explosive, painstaking sigh as his eyes finally fell back to earth. "Fuck, Leo," he murmured. "Just…look, the point is, I ain't _him_ anymore." His look turned pleading towards his brother. "He doesn't matter."

For a few long moments, Leo struggled on how to reply to that. "Yes." In the end, though…"You're right. He doesn't."…He just decided on the truth. "But _you_ _do_."

Raph's mouth dropped open slightly at that.

Leo smiled half-heartedly. "I'm not Mikey, Raph. I don't hold the Nightwatcher on a pedestal," he admitted with no diffidence. "I couldn't care less about him."

Raph snapped his mouth shut at that before letting out an incredulous laugh. "Yea, definitely not," he returned with an unreserved grin, looking gratefully at his brother. "Y'know, I think I'd disappoint Mikey if he knew the truth," he admitted after an uncertainty-ridden beat.

Leo snorted deprecatingly at that. Giving his brother a dry stare, he firmly told him, "Never. None of us could _ever_ disappoint him. That's one of the many qualities of his that makes us spoil him sometimes." He grinned at the _real_ bout of laughter that escaped his sibling's lips.

Raph wiped the side of his lips with his knuckles when his laughter gave way to here and there chuckles. But then...

"What _is_ the truth, Raph?" Leo asked, his irises filled with hope...a _tentative_ hope.

Raph's smile fell from his lips. "Leo…" he started quietly, regret clear in his voice. "…I can't tell you…it's…I ain't…"

Leo gave Raph a small, understanding smile. "It's okay," he assured. "You don't have to tell me." He held out a fist to the younger turtle, his auburn irises becoming bright with a promise. "But when you're ready, Raph…I'll be here."

Raph raised his own fist towards the appendage held out to him. But he paused an inch away from his brother's hand as _that_ _look_ wedged back in between his amber eyes. "Ya mean that?" Raph found himself questioning, wincing at how _small_ he sounded.

Leo tried to push that irrational, foreboding fear back down into the pit of his stomach. "I mean that," he replied softly, finally feeling his brother's fist bump against his.

And for a long moment, they just stood there, smiling guardedly at each other.

Then with a whole _world_ left unsaid…

…They turned back to stare at the sparkling emblems of stars together.

* * *

That was when Raph made up his mind. The problem - as it always has been - was that his family needed him to _change_. And he was done _thinking_ that he had a way to solve it. He was done putting _doubt_ in what that solution was. He was _done_. Because, now...well, _now?_

He knew what he was going to do.

* * *

(Flinches) Is it too obvious that I favor Leo and Raph's relationship more so than the others? Gah...the brotherly bonding in here is trying to strangle me.

I hope this wasn't _too_ insanely drowned in...well, whatever it seems to be drowned in. :P It's 3 o'clock in the morning, I can't think well. But I welcome any comments, complaints, or questions.

Anyways, it'll take a bit longer for me to get the next chapter out - but you can expect it no later than next Friday. School time is starting back up again...damn it.

**EDIT - 9/2/2012:** ThisCatalyst'sPen made me an edited screen-grab photo for this chapter; THANKS SO MUCH, HUN! It's simple but at times like these, simple really is the best way to go. :3 Anyways, I would like to share it with you...but because Fanfic can be retarded with links, please check out the link on my profile.

Oh, and also be sure to take a look at her other works, they're very nice to look at!


	5. Raphael: The Reality

Uhhh...I'm at an utter loss for words right now. Seriously...I made this chapter all in one night...after remaking it for a total of seven times for a span of about two weeks. And I STILL want to slam this chapter's head against the ground repeatedly until it passes out. T_T But I have to admit...I do like this so much better than what I started with.

**OKAY, SO THIS CHAPTER WILL BE FILLED WITH THE PRESENCE OF MY NEW OC****...**which I hope will be a worthy risk on my part. I honestly do have a reason for bringing in Asmik Dmitri; I felt like the reasoning behind Raph's urges to leave held too many...holes...in it. I needed someone to really show WHY Raph is as mislead as he is, which I wouldn't have been able to make work with anyone he's close to. And I also needed to give Raph one last chance to change his mind...

...At least, that's what I _think_ a good reason is. (sigh) I'm scared for this chapter. If you guys are taken aback by how this chapter turned out...remember, NONE of you will be more surprised than me.

By the way...when I pictured Asmik...I pictured the Most Interesting Man In the World from the Dos Equis commercial. xD

* * *

**What You Deserve**

* * *

When Raph finally took action in accordance to his…_idea_…he had to call in a favor.

A favor from one of Russia's most powerful oligarchs.

"Frickin' shell, Asmik, this cost ya an arm or leg or somethin'?" Raph exclaimed as he stepped into his friend's private jet plane. The word '_plane_,' though, was stretching it a bit too far.

"Very funny, young turtle," Dmitri Asmik chuckled out in his heavy Russian accent.

He patted Raph's clothed shell a few times before leading the turtle by the shoulder to a semi-private room all the way to the back. He felt the nervousness radiating off of his guest crash against him in _waves_ and as he motioned for them both to sit down, he gave the other a small, reassuring smile.

"And as you 'vell know, it had cost me twenty years of my life, along with a hefty chunk of my pocket money."

Raph scoffed at that, sending Asmik a downright _dry_ expression as he fidgeted in the plush, leather seats he sat on. He glanced down at the ivory marble table between him and the older man, behind the privacy divider where several men were found busying around in their official uniforms, and up towards the ceiling towering high above his head with a silver-rimmed sky window.

And don't forget to the side, where there was a spiraling staircase leading up the second floor of the so-called 'plane.'

"Really? Pocket money?" Raph snickered with a smirk as he turned back to his friend. "I'd insult ya, but I made ya travel from yer home planet to this slice o' heaven, so I don't think I can com–"

Raph fell silent as a bus boy stepped in from behind the divider.

Tilting his head towards his chest and sharply jerked his head forwards, he made the rim of his hat shadow over his face all the while checking to make sure all buttons of his coat were all accounted for. And watching every move the newcomer made with neurotic scrutiny, he never dared turn away from the young man's cheerful grin.

Asmik gave Raph a scrutinizing assessment, pressing a loose fist against his lips as he motioned silently towards his employee with two fingers.

The bus boy stepped closer and straightening himself, he clasped his hands behind his back. "Would like your usual Romanee-Conti, sir?" He looked between his two clients with an air of oblivious abandon. "And may I suggest a few of Russia's finest vodka to you, friend of sir?"

"As of now, Yulov, I hold no choice for the evening," Asmik replied, all the while never turning his eyes away from his guest. "Raphael?"

Raph cleared his throat a bit, tucking his hands away in the pocket of his trench coat as he carefully settled on, "I'm good." He turned his eyes towards Asmik's raised eyebrow and his own eyes narrowed at that look. "I don't like goin' into unknown territory with beer in my system."

An odd smile quirked at the corners of Asmik's lips.

"Oh, yes, very shrewd, very shrewd, friend of sir!" Yulov exclaimed with such reverence, the grin on his face becoming downright cheesy.

With his left eye twitching and his teeth barred menacingly, Raph had to literally bite his _tongue_ not to snap at that guy–who he was damn _sure_ was trying to kiss his ass or something.

A smile spreading across his lips, Asmik sucked in his inner cheek for a moment before daring to reassure, "He means what he says, Raphael." Then dropping his hand onto his lap, he pressed an elbow further against his arm rest and leaned closer towards the younger one. "And, please, have more faith in me."

A slow smile spread across his lips as Raph turned surprised amber irises towards him. "I assure you that your 'vorry over your appearance here is unnecessary." Without turning his head, he shifted his stare towards the bus boy standing innocently besides them. "The men I 'ave on board are under the utmost confidence considering their eyes…"

His words lowered into a sharp, portentous warning. "…And _ears_."

Yulov gave into an inaudible gulp, his smile loosening slightly with a frantic nod. Backing further out of the room, he bent his head forwards slightly as he promised, "I'll go tell the others, sir."

His eyebrow ridges raised high from its natural position, Raph watched as the other man disappeared around the corner. "Ya got this plane under a tight leash, huh?" he said with an amused smirk, immediately shrugging his coat from his shoulders as he flicked his hat off his head with one push.

"Money and wealth 'vill always control too much of too many, my friend," Asmik chuckled out, leaning back in his chair as he watched Raphael let out a relaxed, little sigh.

And bending his elbows back to press against the top of the couch, Raph sunk his shell back against the cushions and propped his feet up on the table. Wiggling his toes happily, he crossed his legs at the knees and raised a daring eyebrow at Asmik.

"Apparently," Asmik began with dry voice, raising his fingers to hide an impressed smile behind them. "_You_ are not one of them."

"Hey, after where I've been, Asmik," Raph snorted out, rolling his eyes blatantly at the other. "Money's the _last_ thing that'll ever be able ta control…" Raph's voice gave into a pause as he realized what exactly he was just implying. And at the esteemed look Asmik gave him, Raph felt the skin of his face heat up unbearably. "…Me."

Raph averted his eyes downwards and cleared his throat as he rubbed the back of his head. "Speakin' of family," he muttered, before pointedly asking in a louder voice, "How's Arina? She good?"

Asmik's dark brown eyes lit up at that. "Very," he assured with vague hand motion. "She is, _ah_, much enthusiastic over your oncoming arrival to Mother Russia."

Raph snapped a grin back at Asmik, his face softening at the man's words. "Still hasn't forgotten 'bout me yet then, huh?"

"Ten years old is a wonderful age for a wonderful memory," Asmik replied with a slight chuckle. "And once she ages to be 100, I am sure you will be one of the few she 'vill never forget even in senility…" Asmik's features held an air of unpreventable conviction, a feeling of well-founded confidence. "…_Спаситель_."

Silence.

Raph's mind just froze in time to an endless _silence_.

Because, well…_savoir_.

He had forgotten all about that, oddly enough. No, he had _wanted_ to forget all about that.

Raph swallowed the lump in his throat.

Savior is what Asmik's daughter called him. Savior. And why wouldn't she?

When her, her mother and her father came to the United States for a personal meeting with a political party, Arina Asmik was kidnapped by drug dealers. That was the only reason why Raph caught wind of such a political upheaval. Those drug dealers were the people Raph had been hunting down ever since the beginning of time–the _Nightwatcher's_ time.

So imagine his surprise when he saw a little girl curled up in a corner with ropes tying her wrists and ankles together, a tear-soaked scowl burning on her countenance as she demanded to be let go. Imagine his surprise when he had figured out the reason why that little girl was there, in first place, was because those same _drug_ _dealers_ had been hired by Russian underground officials who were using Arina as _blackmail_…for the _mom_.

It was a story to be saved in stillness, one to be saved past rainy days and stormy nights. But the main idea had remained clear: he may have been able to save Arina under one of the most impossible circumstances. He may have been able to save a whole family due to rescuing one child's life. And _yet_…

…_And yet_…

"Hmn," Raph sounded tonelessly, tilting his head back to look blankly up at the skylight above his head.

Dark brown irises surveyed–carefully surveyed–the peculiar expression written across Raph's features. And a moment later, a fleeting recognition flashed in his eyes. "My friend," Asmik began to drawl before carefully treading on, "I 'ave heard you retired from your Nightwatcher business. Am I correct?"

Raph raised his eyebrow ridges at the query. "Ya _heard_?"

A secretive, sardonic smile escaped onto Asmik's lips. "I have _very_ good hearing," he smoothly spoke. "And 'vord travels fast from America to Moscow."

"Right," Raph scoffed out loudly, his face giving into a wry gaze. "'Cause it's jus' that easy for word to fly past the Atlantic Ocean 'n' all." He shook his head at the unchanging smirk on the older man's face. "But yea. My brother came back. Found out 'bout what I was doin' and, well, he…" Raph released a quiet, unreadable sigh. "…_Asked_…me ta stop."

Asmik continued to stare silently at Raph for a while. "So you left that aspect of your life for your family."

Brick by brick, a wary wall began to build within amber irises. "Yea."

"Am I correct in assuming you are choosing to leave your home for your family, as 'vell?" Asmik casually questioned, lowering his hand from his lips but never once going any further.

Raph narrowed his eyes slightly at that, words becoming bland as he humorlessly stated, "Nothin' gets past you, Asmik."

"No. I suppose not." Asmik absently began to smoothen out his tie further inside his suit jacket. He pursed his lips slightly for a long while before he slowly began to say, "You know, before _I_ retired…there 'vere times 'vhen Arina asked me to take a break from my job and, sometimes, she would say to me '_why not get another job, papa?_'" A small, bittersweet smile came onto his face. "It is her 'vay of telling me to stay home."

He looked steadily into Raph's wavering irises. "And to stay home _with_ _her_."

"I know," Raph responded bluntly, slowly taking his feet off from the table as he hesitantly began to straighten himself. "When she was with me, she told me that story all the time."

Asmik nodded approvingly at statement and simply replied, "Good." He leaned sideways against one arm rest, bringing one foot up to cross an ankle on top of his knee. "Then has it ever occurred to you _Спа_–" Asmik stopped himself as he caught the beginnings of Raph's approaching flinch. "–Raphael…that _this_ is the last thing your family 'vanted from you?"

"It ain't 'bout what they _want_," Raph snapped, seizing the leather covering of his seat within trembling, paling fingers. "It's about–"

Asmik's eyes narrowed with contempt.

"–'Vat they need. Yes, yes, I 'ave heard that many times before," he replied, the utter cynicism in his tone biting at Raph's uncertainty.

"Right," Raph muttered, his feet beginning to twitch as his toes slowly turned towards the doorway.

"Oh, my friend," Asmik sighed out, his eyes softening at the unnecessary guilt floating in those amber irises. "I apologize dearly for that." Raph nodded silently in acceptance and it was only when his shoulders loosened slightly, did Asmik dare to continue with, "But still, I must ask you…_why_?"

Raph looked guardedly at the other man.

And Asmik began to tread carefully. "There is this _look_ of suffering on your face at the mere, ah…_thought_ of knowing your family is out of reach." Raph's shoulders began to tense once more and Asmik's stare became beseeching. "And it tells me that your family must be feeling the same 'vay."

"Don't, Asmik," Raph replied tightly, weary shadows beginning to shutter over his features. "_Don't_ fuckin' remind me."

"Then tell me, Raphael," Asmik returned, his voice morphing into determination. "_'Vhat_ is it that you are aiming for?" He leaned closer towards the younger one, a grim edge rimming his darkening countenance as he quietly questioned, "And _why_ is my previous spouse, Serafima, the one to come to your mind?"

Raph turned his head away, his jaw clenching shut for a few, long seconds. But Asmik waited patiently, his face unreadable as it was still, loosening only slightly once quiet, resigned words began to fill every inch of the room.

"…'Fore ya guys left, she told me somethin'," Raph began slowly. Something inside of him began to shake as he felt himself walk further and further into open–_vulnerable_–territory. "I ain't gonna lie to ya, I didn't care 'bout what she said right then. Didn't even think about it after you guys left."

"What changed?" Asmik questioned softly.

Raph smiled ruefully. Piercingly. "Everything."

"_You 'ave seen too much, my dear," a woman spoke under sympathetic tones, her pale green eyes kind and gentle as she put a hand on Raph's shoulder. "You 'ave heard too much. You _know_ too much."_

Raph let out a tired sigh. "The life I was livin' was a problem," he voiced lowly, before saying in his own words, "And I knew that. Really, I did. I just…" His mouth began to falter. "…I jus' never thought it'd go on even after I _stopped_."

Asmik nodded slowly. "You 'ave dipped your feet in a life that you 'vere unable to handle," he continued in a veiled tone, pulling his words straight from the memory of time long past. "And it 'as poisoned you 'vith a disease." And before he had even reached his last word, Asmik felt a dreadful understanding seep deeply into his gut. "A disease that infects you…and everyone you touch."

"_I 'ave seen many, many like you in my time of living, young one," Serafima started with a remorseful flourish in her voice, pressing a delicate hand against her chest. "And you are amongst the many who have lost their 'vays, for such numerous reasons. Yes, young one, you are what I call…" _

"Patient Zero," Raph voice blankly. "That's what she called me." He turned his head once more towards Asmik. "Look, I'll be straight with ya," Raph started, his gruff edge coming back into his voice…much to Asmik's relief. "I can't do this by myself."

A self-deprecating look filled Raph's features. "I can't _be_ by myself–be pretty much _no one_–and come out better than I was when I went in." Raph shook his head slightly, but it was the hint of pride in those amber irises which had Asmik raising an eyebrow. "I ain't Leo."

Vaguely, Asmik recalled that this '_Leo_' was the one that had left his family for much longer than needed. The brother that had–once upon a time–made Raph's eyes shadow over, instead, with _resentment_.

"The asshole," Raph chuckled out, his lips pulling up towards the side.

"Is that right," Asmik returned with an easy smile, his stare softening at the younger one's expression.

Until that same expression suddenly morphed into a grimace. "Right. Not the point," he spoke with a slight sigh. He turned back towards Asmik, a begrudging acceptance weighing down on his words. "I think ya get it, Asmik. I need…I'm _gonna_ need," he corrected in a pained voice. "He–"

"_Help," Serafima replied with a _gleam_ suddenly shining in her irises. "Yes, Raphael. You are going to need _help_. My help, to be specific." She glanced at the card held loosely in emerald green fingers and with a bright smile, "My husband's number is on that card, yes? Then you know where to go…if you ever decide on it." _

His face giving away nothing, Asmik gripped the edges of his arm rests tightly.

And still, Raph caught the subtle transition and it made his eyes narrow questioningly. But slowly, he went on to say, "I'm doin' this fer my family, Asmik. They…they care 'bout me. I care 'bout them." Conviction settled deeply on Raph's countenance. "_I'm_ becomin' a problem. I _am_ the problem."

Asmik took a deep breath. "And this is the solution?"

Raph nodded once. "This is the solution."

"Oh, my friend," Asmik whispered with downright remorse. Raph's eyebrow ridges arched high with surprise. "She 'as truly gotten into your head, hasn't she?" Raph frowned at that, but before he could reply, Asmik was quick to continue with, "I do not know 'vat it is that Serafima promised you. I do not know just how sincere her promise _is_ to you. But of all the people in this world…" His words strengthened with unspoken significance. "…She _cannot_ _help_ _you_."

And Raph _knew_ just who Asmik thought _could_ help him. It was an undeniable _truth_ that made Raph's hands ball into quivering, shrunken fists. _Of course_ Raph doubted Serafima could help him. He doubted _anyone_ could help him.

Anyone but…

'_The consequences,_' his mind spoke softly to him. It echoed the same voice that almost got him and Leo killed just…was it just a week ago? A week ago when he and Leo were on his bike? '_The consequences of getting them involved,_' his inner voice interrupted, the tone stronger than before._ 'Remember._'

With a tightened hold on reality, Raph's amber irises instantaneously hardened. "Ya don't even know what she _does_," he forced out through clenched teeth.

Asmik actually _rolled_ his _eyes_ at the accusation.

"It is not for lack of trying, I assure you," he responded in a wry tone. "And 'vhichever way my knowledge turns, Raphael…_you_ do not either." But even with that, Raph's features never changed. It remained unwavering, _unyielding_, and it brought a spoke of anger within Asmik's mentality. "Your confidence astounds me," he bit out in a murmur before questioning loudly, "Why are you so _sure_ she can possibly help you?"

"'Cause I know she does research, workin' with people like _me_. Even you can't deny that," Raph pointed out, smirking without feeling at the irritation on the other man's face. But with an inaudible sigh, he laid his head back against his seat as he responded, "And besides…if she can't help me…she's got connections with people who _can_."

A heavy hand raised to rub at Asmik's clenched eyes. "My daughter almost _died_ because of her, Raphael," he emphasized harshly, letting his hand drop back onto his arm rest as he looked coldly at the younger one. And he wasn't one bit surprised at the unperturbed stare he received. "You are putting your trust in someone who does not know the _definition_ of such a thing."

"Asmik, look," Raph said, finality set in his tone. "I know it was pretty stupid of her to steal that formula or whatever from the people she was competing against." He watched as the corner of Asmik's lips pulled down to the side. "But she didn't meant ta get Arina kidnapped."

Asmik's dark brown irises darkened into shades of onyx–a sight that made Raph feel something suddenly _waver_ inside of him. And almost _doubtingly_, he stated, "Serafima loves her too."

"Yes. She does love Arina," Asmik replied in an insipid tone. "But that love was not strong enough to make her give them back 'vhat she stole from them."

Raph's eyes widened.

Asmik smiled half-heartedly. Hatefully. "When I said my daughter had almost died, my friend," he quietly said. "I had meant that she _'vould_ have died…" His cheerless stare softened into a grateful gaze. "…Had it not been for you."

Raph let out the breath he didn't even know he was holding. "Shit," he exhaled, rubbing the back of his neck. "I didn't know."

"I didn't '_vant_ you to know," Asmik corrected.

"Heh." Raph wiped one corner of his mouth with the back of his hand, a sinister smile falling over his lips as he looked at nothing in particular. "So she's more worthless than a pile of trash crapped out on the side of the street." He looked back at his friend with a kind of regret, now, settled on his face. "Asmik, other than watching my back every step of the way and probably killin' her at the end of it all…"

The oligarch knew what was coming before Raph had even opened his mouth.

"…This still ain't gonna change any of the plans I got. At all."

Asmik's lips pursed tightly with heavy disapproval. "Yes, I am very well aware that your strong spirit is accompanied with your one-sided obstinacy." He ran a hand through his hair; a nervous tic if Raph ever saw one and he was surprised by how…_out of place_ the movement looked on Asmik.

"But do you see now, young turtle…why I cannot…" Asmik gulped inaudibly, desperately trying to push back the bitter taste rising to his throat. "…Why I _'vill not_ do more than point you towards Serafima's 'vhereabouts?"

Raph furrowed his eyebrow ridges together at that. "Asmik, I wasn't gonna have ya do more than that fer me."

Remorse painted over Asmik's irises. "No, please," he spoke softly, looking straight into Raph's bewildered gaze. "You do not fully comprehend my implications."

Raph's eyes narrowed almost automatically. "Then stop implying and start explainin'," he demanded, his patience dwindling with every moment that was filled with silence.

Asmik's fingers began to throb as he tightened his hold on his arm rest. "Serafima is no longer the 'voman I 'ave married," he bluntly stated without preamble. "She is a stranger both to me and to her daughter. I do not know 'vat it is she 'vill do with you once she _has_ you. It could be good." Asmik couldn't look at Raphael at this point. "It could be bad…I _do not_ know."

He cloaked his weary eyes behind the darkness of his eyelids.

"And for Arina's sake, I 'vill not try to find out once you pass through her doors."

A ringing silence drifted amongst the space between Asmik and Raph. And in it held what felt like an unbreakable _tension_, gnawing at both of their sanities within the passing timeline of a ticking clock. A few milliseconds…it couldn't have been morethan that lengthening between them and, yet, it was more than enough to cause an unending dismay to settle in the pit of Asmik's–

"Asmik," Raph spoke out in a downright dry, _irritated_ tone. "Jus' shut yer mouth up fer a bit and listen ta me." Slowly, Asmik turned to look back at Raph…

…And what he saw made his eyes widen with an inexplicable awe.

"I got it, alright?" Raph stated, his amber irises smirking with an unbreakable will of inferno. "I'm makin' a deal with who might as well be the devil or somethin'. And you ain't gonna pick up the pieces if this blows up in my face. I get it." Raph shrugged a shoulder, unconcerned and unafraid in the face of the grim repear. "And that's okay."

And it made Asmik feel like an unforgivable traitor.

"No it is not. It is not okay," he said with solemnity, a slow, sad smile spreading across his lips. "But it is 'vat the reality is." He forced himself to remember his daughter's bright, ear-to-ear smile and her boisterous, unreserved laugh…but it all began to shatter as he remembered the _reverence_ in her chocolate brown eyes when she spoke of her _Спаситель._

Asmik shook his head, suddenly feeling the weight of his decision truly wear down his bones. "I only 'vish you had given your _family_ more credit and let them 'valk this treacherous journey 'vith you."

"Well, Asmik, lemme tell ya what the reality really is." Raph crossed his arms rightly against his chest, a stony anger seeping into the cracks between his features.

It wasn't an emotion that wasn't directly targeted towards Asmik and he _knew _that…

…But all the same, the fear he felt crawled across the expanse of his spine. And _never_ had he felt as glad as he did now for knowing this…_man_…was on his team.

"I did more than jus' listen to some police feeds and clean up the dumbasses roamin' all over the place," Raph shot at him with quick, unfeeling words. But behind it all was a quiver, a meaning, a _despair_…

"I'm the turtle that saw a little kid's body thrown on a pile of other bodies," Raph continued in a quiet voice. "I saw all of their guts stickin' out of their chests and spillin' all over the place…"

Asmik suddenly found himself taken to a place where the floors had been painted with the stains of crimson. It was caked all around the edges of these interlinking worn-away walls; aging dividers that were forced witnesses to the never-ending resonances of screams and pleas.

Then there was death. The _scent_ of death. All around him. It surrounded him in sharp, biting cries. It fought against him, mocking and ferocious. And it told Asmik that _this_ was what made humans say '_I am _alive_.'_

It told Asmik that _this_ was what made a part of Raphael die.

"…And it was all because of the _sick bastards_ that dug their _hands_ through them, lookin' around to pull out a few fuckin' bags of _cocaine_ right out _from_ them."

Raph had bent over his lap a long time ago, his elbows pushing hard against his knees as he pressed his palms weakly against the side of his head. And at the end of it all, his voice was unable to make it past a choked growl, tortured and miserable all within the trembling grasp of his throat.

And it struck Asmik just how…_wrong_ this was. How _nonsensical_ it was for _him_ to be here sitting in front of Raph, being the first to listen to all the horrors the younger one had been subjected to at a…at an even _more_ nonsensical _age._

It should've been Raph's father. It should've been Leo. It should've been Mikey, Don, Casey, April, and _whoever_ _else_ made a wonderful, warm place in the turtle's life.

_It shouldn't have been _him.

"Raphael…" Asmik sighed as he leaned back heavily against his chair, his calloused knuckles pressed stiffly against his lips. "…There is no _need_ to make this so incredibly _difficult_ for yourself," he spoke in a pleading whisper.

Still bent down over his lap, Raph kept his head where it was as he let one hand drop from his scalp.

"I won't let them hear the same things I hear when I try to sleep," he told, answering the unspoken question under the restrictions of an empty, unreadable voice. "I ain't gonna let 'em see what keeps me up every single night." His fingers constricted into pulsating fists as he self-deprecatingly spat out, "I'm not bringin' them into the life _I can't even keep myself from drownin' in_ right now."

A thick sighed escaped from Raph's lips. "You jus' said it yerself." Glassy, amber irises rose to stare tiredly at Asmik. "I infect everyone I touch."

Guilt became an uncontrollable gravity that pushed on every inch of Asmik's skin, making him hypersensitive to just how _insensitive_ he had been. But yet, he couldn't part his lips in order to take back _everything he said_.

Because what he had told was the truth.

And Raph knew that.

"So trust me when I say this, Asmik," Raph continued, his eyes hardening as purpose settled severely onto his features. "And I'm damn sure _you _wouldofdone this same thing too."

Asmik swallowed dryly at Raphael's statement.

It's true.

Asmik _would_ have done the same thing. He honestly _would_ have.

He just wasn't sure if he _could_ have done it.

"Because I'd cut up my damn chest and pull out my own guts…" Raph spoke in low, indescribable undertones, watching with detached eyes as Asmik began to look sick.

"…'Fore I even let _my family_ come _close_ to what I'veturned into."

And that was when Asmik understood. Finally, he understood.

He understood just why Raphael was _here_. Before him.

And not beside the people he called family.

"Very well then," Asmik murmured, absolute disagreement cutting through his countenance as he stared resignedly at the younger one. "I see I have no choice in this matter."

Then Raph nodded as well, his features giving away nothing as he tilted his head up towards the ceiling, amber irises becoming blinded from the sunlight that filtered in through the skylight.

And he began to speak softly.

"Don't worry, you guys," he murmured with a shaky smirk. "I won't let this go to waste. I swear."

_I'll make this worth something._

* * *

Because if there was something Raph knew he _could_ do right...

...It was making things _count_.

* * *

...So, do you see why keep moaning and groaning about this chapter? You know, it's like, the more chapters I make, the more crap I interweave into the story line! In chapter 1, we started with something simple: Raph feels regret. That's all. Then it gets bit more intricate, with Raph having this 'plan' that Donnie helps strengthens. Then I add this new element in Mikey's chapter...which suddenly explodes in Leo's chapter...and now becomes downright convoluted in this chapter. '-_-

I hope you all weren't sick with how big of a part I gave Asmik in here. That and that you guys also like this chapter - even if it's just a bit. But if you do think that I've absolutely ruined this story now...well, if you'd like to, you're welcome to say what I did wrong because your opinion matters too!

**Oh and if you guys think that this chapter feels...incomplete for some reason...well, you're thinking right!** That's another reason why this chapter took so long to get out; I tried to squish everything from Raph's departure to his brother's reactions all in one chapter. Which - as you can see - did not work for me. At all. So now, there's going to be en epilogue...which I'll post after I make new chapters for the drabbles and one-shots. :)

Oh, and on a last note...something horrible has happened on fanfiction: my little sister...HAS JOINED. Hahah, no, joking, joking, she's a very good writer too. Just very annoying. :) Her name's Pariox's7 - she's in my favorite author's list. However, the one story she's posted is all revolving around T-Cest. But even if you don't like T-Cest, read her profile. It's...uh, I don't even know how to describe it. But it might entertain you!


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